Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Drama Around Ben's Birth

Ben is DH and my miracle baby.

I've had 15 miscarriages, back surgery and DH has a "low count." We never planned on having children and were caught completely by surprise when we found out.

We had just gotten back from a promotional event in Dallas, I had spent the last two weeks freezing, while driving a seg-way on icy streets promoting a boxing match. When we got home our door was unlocked and all of our things were gone; our tools, DH's dive equipment, my silver, DH's TV and X-Box. Later that night I started running a fever and the cough I had had all week got so bad I was having trouble breathing.

DH took me to the ER at Methodist in Houston. DH later said I was pale as a ghost. I remember him looking quite scared. The hospital ordered, a chest x-ray, an echo, and about 10 other tests. The nurse did an Echo then took some blood. Registration came in to get my insurance, I did not have any. The doctor came in and said "Congratulations your pregnant, go home and see an OB."

At this point I knew something was wrong, I was having to much trouble breathing and had had too many miscarriages, I insisted that something was wrong. They canceled all the other tests and sent me home.

I got sicker. Medicaid miss-filed my application, and I was denied Medicaid, they refiled it. I could not get in to a Dr., no one would see me, unless I had a medicaid card. My water broke at 23 weeks, two days before my OB appointment.

I had no idea that I was in labor, I just thought I was having a normal back spasm, like I had had for years. I bummed a joint off of my neighbor to help with the pain. Big Mistake. That one joint put me and my family in a very precarious position, when we were already very vulnerable. In the state of Texas when you have THC in your system when you are pregnant, you automatically get investigated by CPS.

I spent two weeks in the hospital on strict bed rest. After one week I no longer tested positive for THC. The second week I was in the hospital I spiked a very high fever and had to have an emergency C-Section. I spent ten days in the hospital recovering. For the last five days I wheeled myself to Texas Children's of Houston using "the tunnels".

Ben was born just before midnight on March 28th.

He weighed 2 pounds 1oz or 927g. and was 17" long.

Ben was put on a ventilator as soon as he was born, he is still dependent on a ventilator, has had heart surgery and now he had had a G-button and a Nissen fundoplication.

He was not allowed to have my breast milk due to the THC that was no longer in my system. My OB fought very hard to get my milk to Ben but it was "too expensive" to test the milk. Even after multiple negative drug tests i was still not allowed to breast feed my son. I pumped 12 ounces of colostrum. Most women who have babies that early get less than an ounce. I was pumping 4 ounces of milk each pumping within 48hrs of Ben's birth, while most are lucky to get 2 ounces within two weeks. Every ounce was dumped down the drain. Breast milk is LIQUID GOLD. It costs between $150 and $185 an ounce . Not being able to feed my son, has caused me great emotional distress and made me feel as though I was a bad mother, leading to major depression.

At some point DH decided it would be best to move out of our apartment and in with a friend(the con-artist who fleeced us out of everything... twice, and kicked us out once the money was gone.)

On top of the fact that my son is still dependent on a ventilator, he has had heart surgery and now he had had a G-button and a Nissen fundoplication.

Hopefully Ben will be home by Christmas. We still have to go to The Children's Center to learn the Vent.


How does one person effect change?

By living the change you want to see.

I can't remember who said this but when you want to make changes in the world, you make the changes in your life and go from there.

Each positive step that I take towards making my life a better place for me and mine, is one step closer to a better world.

Changes that I want to see in my life in the next few months.>

This month I will keep my sink shiny.

I will make an effort to dress to shoes, make up and hair as well.

I will spend time every day dancing, singing or just listening to music I love.

Baby steps and focus will make me the change I want to see.

Thank You to My DH

Dear D,

Thank you for being my McKnight in a beat up old white Dodge Ram and garb.

Thank you for teaching me what it means to relax.

Thank you for giving me our family.

Thank you for my first Orgasm.

Thank you for being so patient with me.

Thank you for teaching me what it means to have tools.

Thank you for each home we have built.

Thank you for your impeccable if sometimes absent good luck.

Thank you for being you,


"I hope that my journey will take me to places I have been."

One year ago I started this blog and all but forgot about it. When I started it I was blissfully unaware that I had just conceived my son. I had a grand idea that I would learn about the world and about life. I recklessly stated, " I hope that my journey will take me to places I have been."

This last year has been a whirl wind of rehashing, well, just about everything.

I was unaware that I would go from Austin back to Hell AKA Houston. On the positive side, I did not know that I would love living in a hundred year old apartment in Montrose. I didn't realize that my DH and I would get robbed multiple times, and have to rebuild from scratch each time, or end up living with a con-artist in Sugarland TX, the town where I was born. I thought that I would never had to live out of a car again, I was wrong. I also never thought I would end up living in Oklahoma.

I did not know that at the end of March I would be doing what all pregnant woman do when they go into labor: Call their mother. Nor did I even fathom that I would have to face so many of my personal daemons. I never thought I would ever step foot in a Ronald McDonald House unless I was volunteering. I never thought I would be in the back seat of a police car, ever.

I would never have guessed that DH and I would have a stronger relationship, due to all the misfortune. I didn't think out sex life could hit such highs or such lows.

I hate to admit that I have been a horrible vegan, RMH in OKC and OKC Childrens Hospital, is not vegan friendly in the least.

I definitely never imagined or thought that I would or could handle all that has happened.


If you have ever looked at the lyrics for the song Reflection both the version in the movie Mulan and the version that Christina Aguilera did you would see how I feel right now. I was originally going to quote both songs but decided that that was just to long.

These are the things that I discovered in the last 48hrs or so.
I don't know who I am.
I don't like who I see in the mirror nor do I know this strange woman.
I don't really know much about myself.
I'm rather lonely.